I had a call the other day about surgery, and we went over all the steps I needed to prepare. Since then, I've found myself thinking about how things are gonna be after surgery. Not like, the awful part where I wont be able to eat solids, and I'll look like I got jumped. I mean the part where I'm healed and the surgical portion of my transition is over. For the longest time, I've dreamed of getting FFS and finally feeling comfortable in my own skin. I really hate my face, like a ton. The dysphoria is genuinely crushing. But, after a lot of thinking and self reflection, I've also come to realize that surgery alone wont make me happy.
For starters, I've lived in North Carolina since I turned 20, and throughout my whole transition. Things weren't TOTALLY awful before transition, but racism and general discrimination was certainly prevalent. One time, I went for a jog around my neighborhood, and noticed my neighbors pitbull got out. I was too scared to grab it myself, so I went and knocked on their door. They didn't answer, so I jogged back home. Fast forward about 10-15 minutes, two squad cars pull up and interrogate me. Apparently my predominantly white neighbors called, and stated that a brown person was trying to break into houses. And like, I lived there for over two years at that point, so that's fucking crazy.
After transitioning, however, it's been far worse than I could imagine. I worked at Starbucks (An experience I cannot wait to detail in the future!) at the very beginning, in the hopes of getting insurance. During my time there, I experienced the worst discrimination I had ever experienced in my life. Racism, misogyny, and religious discrimination were common experiences, and it was an everyday occurence. Because workers rights are so awful here, there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. Once I left that (Extremely shitty) job, I moved to Durham. Unlike the rest of the state, Durham is more diverse, queer friendly, and actually has protections for trans people. But, despite that, I have still experienced much of the same when I'm out.
Even if the election is going extremely well here, and the insane black nazi republican dude is getting rolled, I don't see things changing in any meaningful way. At least, any time soon. So, I'm highly considering moving elsewhere.
I don't want to continue wasting my youth here.
It has felt like a lifetime, but I'm only a month away from my first round of FFS. I opted for Dr. Wormer in Charlotte, NC. Previously, I had my top surgery with him in February of this year. It was the first time I've ever undergone surgery, so I was honestly terrified. Like, the prospect of getting a new pair of boobs is super exciting, especially since the boob fairy decided to skip over me. But, instead of excited, I was physically shaking while I waited for the operation to begin. Having someone present was a lifesaver, because no matter how much I mentally prepped, it was a whole different experience when it was actually THE day.
I'm extremely glad I went through with it, though. The results have been life changing. I am genuinely in love with how my boobs look! But girl, the healing process was really rough. And thats why, even with renewed strength after braving my last surgery, I'm still pretty scared of this next surgery. Top surgery made me feel constantly uncomfortable in every position, and I felt like I had to be careful, or my tits would fly off. So, if that was bad, this can only be worse. At least, thats how I imagine it mentally, and the impression I get from girls on reddit and facebook (gross, I know).
It's important for me to note, however, that I feel determined to see this through. Any gender non conforming person knows the amount of hoops we have to go through for surgery. I am very lucky that I'm in a position to receive gender affirming care through my employer, and I fully intend to take advantage of the care offered.
If you identify as transgender, and you're seeking coverage for your gender affirming care, I highly recommend entering the tech field. There are more employers offering gender affirming care through their insurance options in that space alone. Outside of that, if moving is possible, there are states that require insurance companies to offer gender affirming care.
Whichever option you decide to take, I'm rooting for you! ૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა
Hi random web dweller! I found out about the little personal web movement a few days ago, and honestly, it really inspired me. Most websites have become so infested with ads, popups, and are moderated from a overtly right wing perspective. I really miss the fun and colorful design of websites from the early internet, which felt so much more exciting to visit. Articles also tend to be more readable when your screen isn't coated in ads for a product you don't want. Or, alternatively, cant afford in this current economy.
This website (the initial three pages and this blog post) was put together in two days. At the beginning of this small journey, I had never written anything in HTML or CSS. I'm a hardware girly, so my software knowledge is mostly troubleshooting, repairing OS corruption, partitioning drives, or other unexciting things. It has been a ton of fun, and honestly, genuinely so empowering. I feel like I have a lot more control over how my thoughts are presented, and thats super neat!
I hope you'll revisit this page, as I continue to update this blog. See you next time!
Born and raised in rural NC, I grew up on a plantation formerly used for moonshine distilling. During that time, I lived with my grandmother and her "family friend" (also known as a girlfriend). Part time, I travelled to NY and Florida to seperately stay with my conservative father, or liberal mother. Regardless of ideology, I never felt truly affirmed for my identity, so I hid it like many queer youths do.
Upon turning 20, and enduring a lot of abuse up until that point, I ran away and never looked back. My transition began in 2022 towards the end of the pandemic. During that time, I learned the hard way about how society views and treats trans women of color, and the extent of corporate exploitation in our communities. Since then, I have become an advocate for trans rights, womens bodily autonomy, and leftist politics.
